For Those Who Need It

800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Prevention Hotline Website

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I hope that by leaving this number and link I might be able to help someone. If you think you may need help please remember it is brave to better yourself. it is brave to ask for help.

Since I do not have much contact with my friend’s family I want to try to toe the line of respecting their privacy, sharing my experience, and not turning a tragedy into a publicity stunt. Mental health is such a difficult topic to discuss because most of what I read treats all mental health like it is the same disease. That is short-sighted and as dangerous as assuming that every patient in the ER is suffering from the same illness. Some people have the equivalent of mental or emotional cancer, some have a head cold, and some just feel a bit under the weather but they can walk it off. Some have chronic illnesses that can never heal. Please pay attention to what you are feeling and react appropriately. If you don’t know what you need therapists and doctors are wonderful people and will help you.

I do not know my friend’s story, and as I share mine I am not criticizing her or anyone involved. My heart breaks knowing the pain and grief they are experiencing. I only am sharing the following with the hope that I can help someone who needs it. I know my story will not be what everyone experiences. For example, I have not needed to be medicated. There is nothing, nothing, wrong with appropriate medications, it is just not the route I needed to go. Fill and take your prescription; no one mocks cancer patients for their medicine. No one makes fun of someone leaving the dentist’s office with a numb face and pain meds. Sharing our stories can help others lost in their own.

In my church sermons are given by members of the congregation who are asked by local leaders to share their thoughts. One of the most common ways to start these sermons is “I am grateful to be with you today.” What is ironic is that most people dread public speaking and are anything but grateful to be there. In my early college years, I was asked to give such a sermon and started my speech in that exact way. As I said those words I realized I was not grateful to be here, I was not grateful to be alive. I read from my paper and said what I planned to the congregation, but realized I was depressed. I chose not to go to therapy because I thought that was for crazy people. I chose not to talk about it with anyone because I knew I was strong enough to handle my emotions on my own. Both of those ideas were backward and incorrect.

I am sure you can imagine what happened. As a serious physical wound rarely heals properly without medical attention, our emotional health (if untreated) can shatter. I assumed the sadness I felt was from sin; like I was carrying guilt for something I did that I can’t remember. I looked at my parents, family, and friends to make sure I was around positive and uplifting people, and I was. Part of what made my struggle so hard for me is that I didn’t have a clear impact point to blame. The people around me were wonderful. It took years of a brutal cycle before I realized that I was simply depressed for depression’s sake. I felt sad, then I felt guilty because I obviously did something to deserve to be sad, I grew frustrated with myself and that frustration turned into self-loathing, and that self-loathing pushed me to want to end it. Me. I never attempted suicide, so I can’t pretend to know what that struggle feels like. Even a fraction of their pain is a weight no one should have to bear. I felt this way for years, using humor to hide my darkest emotions. My facade would crack and some saw beneath my surface, and it was the people who reached deeper that were able to pull me out in the end.

I wish I could share a wonderful climax that shows how I overcame my struggle, but my story isn’t finished. I have seen several therapists (of varying levels of competence) and my wife is wonderful at reading my emotions and encouraging me to do what I need to get to a better space. I have been able to openly talk about my depression with friends and family. That being said, I am sure I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. I am sure there will be dozens, if not hundreds, of days in my future where I am sad for no reason. I found a balance that works now, and I promise to tweak that balance so it works in the future. The most important lesson I learned is that I can use my struggles to be more empathetic; I can recognize those struggling around me and use my humor and empathy to uplift them. My struggles can be my strength. My struggles are my strength.

Again, I know that my story is not necessarily typical of what everyone experiences. Plenty of people struggle and more than I ever will. if you can learn anything from me please know that it isn’t your fault, help is available and can help, and there are people who love you. It may be hard to see, but we are here.

For those who have lost loved ones to suicide, I am sorry. It is easy to accept blame, especially if the one you lost said they felt alone. Remember that they were sick, and that illness can change the way they see the world. A member of my friend’s family shared a wonderful insight, “their darkness was a small fraction of their life and who they were.” It is always true that our lives mean more than how they end.

For those of you struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts yourself. Seek help. Tell someone. I have not experienced everything, but I do know that mortality is worth it. The pain can be miserable, but no matter how heavy it is you do not have to lift it alone. The best thing you can do is open your mouth and speak, you will be shocked at the connections you can find. Please reach out to me if you don’t have anyone else. I will do what I can.

Now I can say, without the least bit of irony, that I am grateful to be here with you today. I am grateful for where I have come from, and I am excited about where I am going. I am grateful to be here today.